I Am Not Your Mother…

…nor do I care to be.  Many women gripe and whine about wanting to date “men, not boys.”  Admittedly, I am one of those women.  Studies say that men tend to seek out mates who are most like their mothers–something about imprinting, and mother-son bonding.  In my jaded experience, men seek women like their mothers not because they are akin to goslings, but because they haven’t yet figured out how to grow up, and feel as though they still need Mommy around to guide them through life.  I realize this is probably a painful statement for the gents reading this, and please realize that I’m not trying to blanket statement all men.  I have seen some wonderful, respectful, communicative and honest men in my time…they’re just already married.  Nor am I saying that having a relationship with your mother is bad–of course it isn’t.  So how can I make such an assuming, rash argument?  While none of my research has been controlled or analyzed by a statistician, these are the personal observances I have to support my claim.

-Why don’t you ever wear a coat, seriously?  Even with my socks off, I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone on a winter date and the guy walks in wearing no layers other than a long-sleeved button-down.  My inner monologue says, “What the hell, you weirdo?!  It’s 38F outside, now I’m going to have to make sure we don’t stand outside for too long, because you think you’re The Human Torch.  I am not your mother, it’s not my job to make sure you don’t get the sniffles.”   On the outside, the only socially acceptable reaction for me to have is, “Oh my goodness, aren’t you chilly?”  Guys, you know all those jewelry commercials you see around Christmas time, with the adorable couples frolicking through a winter wonderland, or playfully writing messages in the frost on the windows outside?  We can’t do that.  Why?  Because you’ll get frostbite.  Or because you’ll try to be a manly-macho-man and pretend like your body temperature isn’t plummeting to abnormal levels, and I will refuse to act like your mother and advise you to get a coat on, and then you will get a cold, and then GUESS WHO GETS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?  Grown-ups wear coats when it’s cold outside.

-Why do you show up to a coffee/drink date without having eaten dinner?  I don’t care how “busy” you were that day (lolling on your couch watching Cops), please take care of your basic human needs before showing up.  You are not a snake, and require food every few hours.  If your mother isn’t present to prepare it for you, you will have to learn how to push buttons on a microwave.  Nothing ruins a date for a woman quite like having to say, “Are you sure you’re ok?  Why don’t we go to a restaurant, I don’t think coffee/alcohol is a good idea for you right now.”  In fact, it’s embarrassing.  You’re uprooting the date so that you don’t pass out or get hangry, and will likely end up eating an entire meal in front of the girl who has a soda, because she ate before she left the house.  This scenario is beyond the realm of “social faux pas.”  It’s just irresponsible and inconsiderate.

– Ok, this is a big one for me, kids:  grown up food.  I don’t care if you don’t like particular food items, or don’t care for a certain spice.  I hate lima beans, fennel and pumpkin.  But if you expect your date to be accepting of the fact that you survive off of chicken fingers and pizza, you will be sorely disappointed.  I have dated men that have angrily refused all vegetables, of any kind (even cried about it).  I dated a guy who yelled at me in a drive through for suggesting that he needed protein instead of just plain nacho chips and salt.  I dated a guy who would order ONLY off of the children’s menu.  I have dated men who will only eat something if it is exceptionally salty or exceptionally sweet.  I dated a guy whose mother allowed him to continue eating Gerber baby food until he was 13 years old (not exclusively, but still…).  Your mother is not here to make you your favorite comfort food, and it is not my responsibility to make sure you don’t hit a sugar high or a carbohydrate crash.  Vegetables are not recommended because the doctor is a meanie, it’s because those foods contain substances that are mandatory for your bodily chemical processes.  Be an adult, suck it up and eat a balanced diet.

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