It’s true, I confess. I am one of millions of people who has an online dating account. Not for any conventional reason, either; I’m not shy, I have plenty of time to go out and meet people, and I don’t get nervous on first dates. Truthfully, I was bored and figured it would be a more efficient way to weed out the crazies instead of sitting through a grueling 30-minute coffee date before fake-yawning my way out. Dinner on a first date? Yeah, no. Way too much of a time commitment. You can always make coffee dates longer, but you can’t make movies or dinner shorter. I’ve been on enough ghastly first dates to know that it’s just not worth the risk. I ran across a profile this evening that included several of the most ridiculous, yet awfully formulaic things that men write, and I’m sure there are at least a few ladies who share my chagrin.
1) If you don’t have a sense of humor, it’s not going to work out.
–Don’t be an asshole, everyone has a sense of humor, you dolt. Did you consider that maybe she just doesn’t share in your delight of Ren and Stimpy re-runs? Or in your sarcasm, because the only way you know how to make jokes is to insult people, only to promptly defend yourself by informing the individuals you’re hurting that they are “too sensitive.” Or perhaps she doesn’t appreciate you telling that story of when your frat buddy threw up on a girl in a nightclub. Or maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t think Steve-O is a genius, and considers the term “jackass” to mean precisely what it should: an inconsiderate, feckless, harebrained idiot. Surprisingly, there are significant differences between men and women. It would serve you well to learn them and treat her like a lady, not a humorless, talking pair of boobs.
2) I like to go out, but also enjoy spending a night at home.
-Cool, sounds like nearly everyone else on the planet. Truly a fascinating, original fact about your unique and compelling personality.
3) I don’t really know how to write these things.
-So, you’re unfamiliar with your own hobbies? Appearance? Dreams and goals? Pets? Family? Occupation? Oh, I’m sorry–you mean you’re too lazy to try and form whole sentences. The “Women Throwing Themselves At Your Feet” line starts just over there, at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Take a number.
4) I want a woman who motivates me to be a better man.
-No. Nonononononononono. WHY CAN’T YOU DO THAT YOURSELF? Why is it my job as “the woman” to keep tabs on your moronic behavior? Why do I have to set the example for how a grown-ass man should act? How amazing do I have to be to “motivate” you to throw a video game console away? How incredible do I have to be to make you realize that black-out drunk is never acceptable? How interesting and beautiful and caring and patient do I have to be to make you understand that respect and romance are not bargaining chips for when you want something?
Ladies, do not date in the hopes of a guy becoming a better man. Dump that guy, go find the one who has already made himself into a real catch, and bam, Bob’s your uncle.